Dad: Today we are reviewing the first two "Lunch Lady" books.
Gracie (age 9): (singing) Lunch Lady! Dun-dun-dunt-dowwww...
Dad: That's an awesome theme song!
Isaac (age 10): These are graphic novels. And the only colors are white, black, and yellow.
Gracie: It's an action-packed book of yellowy wonder.
Dad: Why do you think they chose yellow?
Gracie: Because it's the color of macaroni. And the color of cheese.
Dad: Before we even picked these up from the library today -- before you knew about them -- you guys had already been making comic books all morning.
Isaac: Yes, and to make two pages it took two hours!
Gracie: Using just 3 colors would make it easier. I've been using a lot of colors for my comic -- I'm not even done yet! It's taken the whole day, and I haven't even gotten to the part where my superhero gets to her plane!
Dad: Who made the Lunch Lady books?
Gracie: Jarrett J. Krosoczka. He makes funny movies on his website.
Dad: You guys like to go his site, don't you? You used to go on there all the time.
Gracie: Isn't that where the Baghead game is? And the Monkey Boy game?
Dad: Tell me about Lunch Lady.
Lily (age 6): She is a lunch girl who is a superhero. She has super-food-stuff. Like fishsticks with chains that hook them together and they whack - whack - whack - whack!
Dad: Fishstick nunchucks.
Lily: And a banana boomerang. And her motorcycle can shoot out sloppy joes. And she has chicken nuggets that explode.
Dad: She has a secret lair behind the refrigerator.
Isaac: What's behind our refrigerator?
Dad: Dust and ucky goo.
Gracie: And she has a spatula-copter. And whenever she's surprised, Lunch Lady says things like "Cauliflower!" or "Holy Guacamole!"
Isaac: "Oh, Gravy Train!"
Dad: Do you guys have a lunch lady?
Gracie: Yeah, Mommy is our lunch lady.
Dad: And she's your teacher and substitute and librarian and principal...
Gracie: A one-woman-band.
Dad: Do you think your lunch lady fights crime when you guys aren't looking?
Lily: I don't think Momma fights crime. She's scared of stuff.
Dad: What is she scared of?
Dad: Well, maybe she doesn't fight bears. But maybe she fights bad guys.
Lily: She's even scared of ninjas I think.
Dad: Let's look at the first book.
Gracie: (singing) Lunch Lady! Dun-dun-da-daaah!
Dad: ...and the Cyborg Substitute.
Gracie: I'm the theme-song-girl.
Dad: Jarrett Krosoczka needs to take you around everywhere to do the soundtrack while he's reading. Alright, tell me about this book.
Gracie: Well it's about a lunch lady who is a super-ninja. And I made a theme song for her. Lunch Lady - Bum-bum-Bahhhh!
Dad: Actually there is a theme song for her already.
Dad: I'll have to play it for you later on the computer.
Gracie: I'm going to lose my job!
Lily: (singing) Luuuuunch Lady, I looooove yoooooooou.... La la la...
Dad: I don't think that's how it goes...
Lily: Ha ha ha!
Gracie: The first book is about Lunch Lady. She's a super-ninja.
Dad: Who's her little partner?
Lily: I forgot.
Lily: Betty. Duh-duh-da-Nah-nahhh!
Gracie: That is my job!
Dad: Lily can sing too...
Gracie: Betty is a sidekick who makes inventions.
Isaac: There are also these three kids called the Breakfast Bunch - a girl named Dee who is a tomboy, a really smart boy who likes electronics, and another kid.
Dad: That third kid doesn't really have a personality does he?
Isaac: Not really. He's just like every-kid.
Dad: Who did Lunch Lady have to fight in this first book?
Isaac: Cyborgs of doom.
Gracie: They were the teachers... but they were not teachers. They were cyyyyyyborrrrrrgs.
Isaac: There is a new substitute math teacher who says the regular math teacher is sick.
Gracie: He was giving the kids all so much work!
Isaac: One day the Breakfast Bunch kids are curious about Lunch Lady. So the kids decide to follow the Lunch Lady to see what she does.
Gracie: Lunch Lady! Duhn-duhn-dah!!!
Isaac: And the Lunch Lady was following... (beep! beep! beep!) ...what the...?
(Nearby phone receiver starts beeping. Mom enters the room looking for it.)
Dad: It's our lunch lady -- she does fight crime! She's being summoned!
Dad: Someone is calling the Mom-phone.
Gracie: Mom-Lady! Dun-dun-daaaaaah!
Isaac: Anyway, Lunch Lady followed the substitute, and he was really a robot designed by the evil-Mr-scientist-dude.
Gracie: The science teacher who was not a cyborg was the one behind the plan.
Isaac: He was going to replace all the other teachers with these cyborg people so the students would like him best.
Dad: Tell me about the second book in the series...
Gracie: (singing) Lunch Lady and the League of Librarians - buh-buh-nah-naaah!
Dad: This is a very musical review today.
Lily: There were evil librarians.
Dad: Evil librarians? I've never heard of such a thing. All librarians are wonderful people.
Lily: These weren't. Mwah-HA-ha-ha-hahhhhhh! They were going to destroy video games so people would read more. They were going to smash them! Bang! Bam! Pwow!
Isaac: With all the money they stole, the librarians got these magical book-things. They were destroying the video games with them. Like, if the librarian said, "Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" then a lion-ghost would come out of the book and attack. Lunch Lady was going to stop them, but she got caught. Then the Breakfast Bunch came and saved her.
Gracie: The Breakfast Bunch thinks they are superheroes too, but they're not.
Dad: Why do you think there are so many villainous people that turn up at this particular school?
Gracie: Because it's an evil school. It's a very good thing that we homeschool. Mommy and you are the only people who are my teachers, and I KNOW you guys aren't evil because you've raised us to not be evil.
Dad: Tell me, who are the Lunch Lady books for?
Gracie: For me. And for people who like graphic novels and yellow. And like food. And for lunch ladies. All you lunch ladies of the world whose favorite color is yellow -- this is a really good book for you.
Dad: Are there any new gadgets you think Betty should invent?
Isaac: A candycane crowbar.
Lily: A potato powerbeam...
Dad: A potato what?
Gracie: A broccoli laser line...
Dad: What's a laser line?
Gracie: I don't know.
Isaac: Mine's the best.
Dad: Yours is the only one that makes sense. Alright, can you think of any more missions for Lunch Lady in future books?
Isaac: Fighting an evil gym teacher.
Lily: I have one! They get a classroom pet, and that pet is evil. And they have to destroy their pet.
Gracie: An evil robot hamster!
Gracie: I've got one, I've got one! The principal tries to take over every school...
Dad: Mr. Hernandez? He looks so nice though.
Gracie: Yeah, but he is evil. And one school is not enough. So he tries to take over all the schools in the whole world with his giant pencil that shoots into outer space and puts a laser beam on all the principals and turns them into duplicates of him so he can take over the world.
Gracie: I want to grow up to be a lunch lady!
Lily: Me too.
Isaac: Could I get those gadgets and stuff?
Gracie: Actually, I want to grow up to be an artist. I changed my mind.
Dad: Then you could just draw pictures of lunch ladies.
Isaac: They should make this into a cartoon.
Dad: Guess what. They're making it into a movie.
Isaac: What kind of a movie?
Dad: With live action people. Not a cartoon.
Gracie: So they DO have a theme song.
Dad: Maybe you could do the soundtrack!
Gracie: Yeah! Lunch Lady! Bum-bow-buh-dow!